Lolly Cake Recipe
Sooo, you wanna make lolly cake, huh? No worries. Here's a no-bullshit recipe that's never failed me.
First of all, round up your mates and head off to the supermarket. Any one will do. If you're living in the boonies, I guess you'll have to settle for a Four Square. Sucks to be you then - their prices are, um....
So you're at the supermarket. Great. I recommend going there at night time because it's emptier and you won't get bopped around and shoved by ex-Aucklanders or old women. You know, the type of old women who own pedigree dogs and subscribe to Next magazine. Chyeah. Empty aisles can also be advantageous if you're the silly type. Take off your shoes and slide down those aisles, you little ski bunny you! Don't worry, you're only on cam.
You'd better get started with that list. Here's what you need to get:
* Malt biscuits (you'll be using the entire packet)
* Eskimos (a known variation is fruit puffs, but c'mon - you want authenticity!)
* Can of condensed milk
* Shredded coconut
* Cinnamon (Now, this is entirely optional. I personally don't use cinnamon and am weirded out by its inclusion, but whatever...)
Okay! Now you're on your way home. Watch out for those boyracers or those elderly drivers who have been robbed of their reflexes. I know you're dying to get home and begin, but patience is a virtue.
Alrighty, time to begin.
1. First of all, you'll need to get a chopping board or something similar to crush your biscuits on. If you're feeling daring you could just wipe down the bench and put the biscuits on it, but that's entirely up to you. Don't put the whole packet down at once - take about a quarter of the biscuits out and begin with those. You can use a rolling pin or a mug to crush the biscuits. It should be fairly easy to do (if you've been taking your iron pills that is.) Crush the biscuits into a fine dust. It's okay if there are a few larger pieces but not tooooo large. Once crushed, empty into a bowl.
2. Cut off a 120g slice of butter and put in a microwave bowl. Add half the can of condensed milk. Feel free to guzzle the rest, because the taste really is heaven sent. Zap for 30 seconds in the microwave until the butter is very soft. Note - soft, not melted. It's okay if part of it melts though.
3. Cut up the Eskimos. Be sure to sneak a few into your mouth when the others aren't looking. Pink ones are the nicest.
4. Pour the butter and condensed milk into the biscuit bowl. Add the chopped up Eskimos.
5. Mix well. This could arguably use a bit of stamina, so if you're not up to the challenge just make an excuse about cleaning the bench top and get a mate to mix it for you. It'll be sweet as.
6. Scoop up the mixture and roll into a log. Or mini balls. Or stars. Or whatever you like! Roll on the shredded coconut if you've decided to use this.
7. Place on a tray and put it in the fridge for it to harden. Cover with glad wrap to keep the cake moist. It should be ready in a few hours.
****** If you decide to check up on the lolly cake and notice it looks like utter shit (really crumbly on the top), don't worry about it! I know your mates are laughing at you because you apparently cannot follow a recipe, and I know you'll be saying you got it off some random dickhead called Rainshine and it's all her fault, but seriously...don't panic! Once you sink that knife into it and cut it, the interior should be smooth as. Even if it isn't, it'll still be edible and it'll still taste like lolly cake.
Good times aplenty! Enjoy.